Betty was the owner of a settee shop. She sold settees. She sold settees to people. She was an expert on settees and frequented them often with her arse. Sometimes her husband laid on the settee to relax, which irritated her because then she had to go and sit in the armchair alone.
One day Graham entered Betty’s Settees:
“I’m looking for a couch”
Betty looked confused.
“Sorry, we only sell settees here.”
Graham looked confused.
“Oh.”
“Yeah, sorry, this is a settee shop hence the name”
“Ah okay” sad Graham, looking around surveying the couches around him.
Betty looked irritated.
“Is there anything else I can help you with sir?”
Graham sensed a change in her tone and so sought to organise his words.
He cleared his throat.
“Do you… Um -”
“Yes?” Said Betty
“Well -” he stammered
“What is it?” Said Betty, becoming further confused as the seconds passed.
Graham was ready, he had grasped the conversation’s sticking point.
“Do you know where I could find a sofa?”
Betty lost her cool.
“No! I have told you once and I will tell you once more, we only sell SETTEES. S-E-T-T-E-E-S!”
Graham responded, somewhat taken aback. He didn’t respond well to aggression.
“I-I-I’m ever so sorry, I just thought you might be what I’ve been looking for.”
By this point, Betty was seething.
“Well, I’m sorry to have to inform you sir but we have a policy for people like you. It’s not often enforced but unfortunately I feel have to do so in this instance.”
She pointed at a sign, black with red letters:
TIME WASTERS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED – 50 POUND ON THE SPOT FINES WILL BE ISSUED TO ANYONE SUSPECTED OF TIME WASTING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
Graham gulped, he was 84 now and didn’t have much left. But then again, rules were rules.
“Now,” Betty continued “as this is your first offence and here at Betty’s Settees we pride ourselves on our relationship with customers I think I should be able to give you a break.”
Graham sighed a sigh of relief.
“Oh thank you so much! I’m ever so sorry.”
For the first time in the exchange, Betty smiled.
“Not a problem, Sir, that’ll be 25 pounds please”
“Oh, um, Do you by any chance take card?”
Betty put her head in her hands.
“Sir, I think I’ve been more than fair”
“Oh okay, cash it is then, no worries”
He reached for his wallet, leaning his walking stick against the till as he did so.
The cash register opened and Betty snatched the money.
Graham apologised once more and left the shop.
“Oh well, could’ve been worse! I’ll be more careful next time! What a nice lady though to let me off like that!” He thought to himself, smiling as he did so.
The Commentorium 